Here’s a thing, internet.
I’m becoming a person who runs. On purpose, even. I have no idea how this happened. One minute, I was trying to run a mile in the least athletic way possible, the next minute, I have a gym membership (!!!) and I use it to run many multiple miles several times a week. I’m even starting to crave running. I look forward to my next run. I even went running with my boyfriend like one of those couples who does cute couple-y things together that everyone else secretly hates.
Also, I’m really obsessed with my nail color right now. I realized that doesn’t have to do with anything, but it keeps catching my eye as I type this and I can’t not mention it, you guys.
Anyways, I run now kinda. So I feel like I have enough experience to tell you how to do it, right?
SEVEN THINGS I LEARNED WHILE RUNNING:
1. Running is really boring. It never stops being boring. A runner’s high is just zoning out of the fact that you are really, really bored.
2. There is no amount of deodorant or dry shampoo that will make you feel clean and dry after running on your lunch break and going back to work. You just gotta embrace the gross. And sit farther away from your coworkers.
3. Running outside means stepping in goose poop and getting yelled it by creepy strangers. Running inside means creepy strangers pretend they haven’t been staring at your ass, which is at least marginally better.
4. Speaking of poop, don’t eat a salad or drink coffee directly before a run. Your gastrointestinal tract will… protest. Eating like crap either makes your run feel like crap or will make you have to crap.
5. The treadmills at Planet Fitness are too far away from the TVs to read the subtitles. Don’t kid yourself.
6. Running in underwear that doesn’t have a strong elastic band is a poor choice. Those suckers will fall down.
7. Running is secretly kind of awesome.
It has been about three weeks since I confessed to you guys that I couldn’t run a mile.
I can now run a mile.
Well that was fast.
It turns out that your body (or at least, my body) adapts to running pretty fast. All I did was run a half mile about every other day for the first week (walking another half mile), run 3/4th of a mile every other day the second (walking the last 1/4th) and run a full mile every other day the next week, with a five minute walking warmup and a five minute walking cool down every run-day.
However, while it was conceptually easy to do, it was by no means a fun thing to do.
I stand by the fact that I absolutely hate running. Or at least, strongly dislike running, probably for all the same reasons that have been quoted and re-quoted over and over ad nauseum, amen.
I think it’s boring.
It makes my legs feel weird.
It makes my knees hurt.
I can tell the weird guy on the treadmill next to me is trying to look down my shirt.
I’m pretty sure if I touched the treadmill screen I’d contact a rare and fatal virus.
I could be doing nothing right now.
My thighs rub together sometimes and it makes me feel like an overactive lion seal.
Putting all those excuses aside, however, I think I’m going to try to run a 5k this summer.
Anyone care to join me?