I have developed a serious eating out addiction, internet. It’s really bad. I’d guesstimate that out of the last two, maybe three months, I’ve either ordered in or gotten takeout about 15-20 days out of every month.
I could technically look and figure it out, but I’m a little scared to.
If you consider an average cost of 15 bucks a meal (which, let’s be honest, is probably less than what it actually is), I’m spending anywhere from $225 to $300 every month on takeaway. On top of that, I go grocery shopping for snacks and things about every week, so I’m probably spending…
You know what? Let’s not. I have a problem, I’ve identified the problem. Let’s not overanalyze the problem.
The top culprit here has been Asian food. Any type. Sushi, Thai, Chinese. We have a killer new Szechuan type restaurant that makes this amazing fried rice and I. Crave. It.
But it needs to stop. So I’m making a list of new recipes and forcing myself to bring lunch to work. Even if it’s a ham sandwich.
The sad thing is I love to cook, but I’ve become very good at telling myself I don’t have time to cook.
Which, given the amount of time I spend on Buzzfeed these days, is technically true.
Any good recipe ideas, internet?
In the beginning of September, I signed myself up for a month-long Locavore challenge and pledged to eat only local food for all of September.
Yesterday, I almost succeeded in eating an entire meal made of local things.
Baby steps, people.
Varenka and I went apple picking yesterday, and it was amazing.
Look at this butternut squash:
Look at these apples:
Look at me artistically frolicking in the sunflowers:
Whilst at the farm, Varenka and I stumbled on some adorable little eggplants, and we decided to eat local for dinner.
Had we not found hummus and artichoke hearts in the fridge, we would have made it, too.
This is what we made:
The (Mostly) Locavorian
Goat cheese (optional)
1. Either grill the eggplant rounds or brown in a pan with a little olive oil until soft and semi-transluscent with a brown sear. Drizzle with olive oil.
2. Grill or toast the ciabatta.
3. Cut the tomatoes into rounds.
4. Spread hummus onto the ciabatta and put the other stuff on it and eat it. I don’t need to babysit you guys. You can build a damn sandwich.
5. Serve with mulled hot cider spiked with Jameson. Or whatever you’re into.
7. Live life and prosper.
So I have about twenty minutes to write this blog, internet, and I have zero ideas, so I asked my good friend Captain Apollo to suggest something and he said to talk about meatballs and I told him that was a stupid idea but I have nothing else so I’m going to go with it.
Besides the fact that I have never made meatballs.
Amendment – I made meatballs once and they were terrible. Apparently bison meat is not great for meatballs.
Okay. Let’s try association.
Meatballs. Pasta. Italy. Green pastures. Cows. Milk. Ice cream. Chocolate. Chili. Chicken. Burrito. Beans.
I totally just had a vivid memory of eating beans on buttered toast as a kid. Not toasted toast, but that awful white bread that’s the consistency of a marshmallow and sticks to the roof of your mouth. I used to love that.
Let’s keep going.
Beans. Cans. Can openers. Forks. Sporks. Corn. Vermont. Maple syrup. Theft. Security. Uniforms.
You know, I’ve never actually had to wear a uniform for anything. I have to wear black and white dress for catering, but we provide our own clothes. Does that count?
Count. Dracula. Vampires. Frankenstein. Literature. Jane Austen.
Did you know they are going to put Jane Austen on the new ten pound note? Fun fact.
Fun. Dogs. Happy. Food. Steak. Salad. Bread. Sauce. Pasta. Meatballs.
Captain Apollo wins this round.
Put meat, cheese, eggs, breadcrumbs and spices into a bowl. Combine. Shape into balls. Cook them. Eat with pasta.
The sunshine finally decided to show up in little ole wherever-I-live, U.S.A, and you know what that means, party people.
It means grill time.
Now, I realize that there is a wide variety of things that you can put on a grill. I happen to enjoy a good hotdog as much as the next person – okay, 7 year old (reasons why I’m single #26 – I remind fascinated by even the most ridiculous children’s foods).
However, I have recently been seduced by the show Parks and Recreation and the manly phenomenon that is Ron Swanson, who reminds us, in his hierarchy of meat, that not all meat is created equal. So in his honor, I’m going to teach you how to make the Tropical Swanson, which is a burger named after the grill god himself with a bit of an island twist.
NOTE – It is more time efficient to prep and cook the toppings first. However, placing the non-meat items above the meat items in a recipe is sacrilege, so they are described second.
The Tropical Swanson Patty.
Makes 8 real burgers or 12 sissy size burgers.
A pound of good ground beef, preferably 80-20.
Many strips of cooked bacon.
Three egg yolks.
1/2 cup garlic breadcrumbs.
Salt and pepper.
Toppings (Not Optional).
A pineapple, sliced into rounds.
An onion of some sort, cut in skinny strips.
Avocado, in strips.
A not wheat or anything healthy bun. Sesame will do. Potato is unacceptable.
Making the Patties.
1. Cook the bacon. Save the grease. If you don’t know how to cook bacon, I have no time for you, peasant.
2. Crumble the bacon into the meat and add the egg yolks, a few dashes of worcestershire, a liberal squirt of ketchup, and all the other things. Combine with your hands. It should feel somewhat in between gloopy and gritty. If too liquidy, more breadcrumbs, obviously.
3. Form into patties. If you end up with more than 8 you did it wrong and your patties are too small.
4. Cook dem patties.
1. Right after you cook your bacon, turn the heat down to low and throw in your onions. Salt and pepper. You want your onions to be brown and very soft and sorta see- throughy.
2. Lay the pineapple on a baking sheet and sprinkle with a decent amount of brown sugar. Bake at 400 for like twenty minutes ish, until soft.
3. Grill or toast your bun. If you skip this step at his point, frankly you’re being lazy and you have a bad attitude.
Bottom of bun on plate.
Delicious bacon patty.
Carmelized bacon onions.
*If you must add something else, you are permitted a swizzle of ketchup. No other additions are acceptable except for more bacon.