Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the alley,
Cassandra was losing- by quite a huge tally.
Her cousins and Madre and Granny to boot
Decided her gutter streak was quite the hoot.
The lanes were all full of young kids using bumpers
But they all bowled better – jeez, what high numbers!
Yet Cassandra had hopes for the rest of the eve-
For her pie-making prowess had yet to be seen.
So Cass and Cuz One peeled, sliced, and prepared;
Not an apple or cranberry was sugar-spared
And Cuz Two in the bath, with shampoo in her hair,
Yelled to keep the door closed, for her bottom was bare.
The aunt and the uncle amused Gramps and Gran,
While Cuz One sliced and diced all the pecans.
With the dogs full of treats and Cass full of beer,
We were all cheered that Dad would soon be here.
Merry Christmas, y’all.
My granny did not care for my Rude Review of apples this week, internet (although I believe ‘did not like’ is perhaps a mild way of putting it), and she has challenged me to write an ode to apples that, in her words, “show[s] off your creative, cerebral and imaginative skills”.
Challenge accepted, Gran-mère.
Ode to Apples.
Where I grew up, there were apples
green and snarled
that fed the neighbour’s worms
amid the craggy branches of a malformed tree,
and where they fell they stayed
and watered their own tree with their meager life’s juices.
When I was small, I plucked those apples,
and took them to my great-grandmother’s
in hopes that she would transform them
or one of her coveted pies.
And my great-grandmother smiled,
and left my apples as an offering for the birds and the raccoons,
and took me to market
and showed me the granny smiths
and the blushing galas
and the jovially striped honey crisps.
and together we bathed their flesh in butter and spice
and put them to rest
and covered them with dough.
As our creation baked, the crabapples disappeared
giving themselves up to the woodland creatures
attracted by the strong scent of cinnamon
and roasting butter
and sweet apples.
and we had tea
and were none the wiser for the loss.