Here’s a thing, internet.
I’m becoming a person who runs. On purpose, even. I have no idea how this happened. One minute, I was trying to run a mile in the least athletic way possible, the next minute, I have a gym membership (!!!) and I use it to run many multiple miles several times a week. I’m even starting to crave running. I look forward to my next run. I even went running with my boyfriend like one of those couples who does cute couple-y things together that everyone else secretly hates.
Also, I’m really obsessed with my nail color right now. I realized that doesn’t have to do with anything, but it keeps catching my eye as I type this and I can’t not mention it, you guys.
Anyways, I run now kinda. So I feel like I have enough experience to tell you how to do it, right?
SEVEN THINGS I LEARNED WHILE RUNNING:
1. Running is really boring. It never stops being boring. A runner’s high is just zoning out of the fact that you are really, really bored.
2. There is no amount of deodorant or dry shampoo that will make you feel clean and dry after running on your lunch break and going back to work. You just gotta embrace the gross. And sit farther away from your coworkers.
3. Running outside means stepping in goose poop and getting yelled it by creepy strangers. Running inside means creepy strangers pretend they haven’t been staring at your ass, which is at least marginally better.
4. Speaking of poop, don’t eat a salad or drink coffee directly before a run. Your gastrointestinal tract will… protest. Eating like crap either makes your run feel like crap or will make you have to crap.
5. The treadmills at Planet Fitness are too far away from the TVs to read the subtitles. Don’t kid yourself.
6. Running in underwear that doesn’t have a strong elastic band is a poor choice. Those suckers will fall down.
7. Running is secretly kind of awesome.
My boyfriend’s birthday was last week, internet, and Jesus’s birthday is next week, and the year’s birthday is the week after that, and mine is drawing near as well. So you might well imagine that I’ve got birthdays on my mind.
As it’s Life Advice Wednesday, I figured I would give you some life advice about being 23 whilst I’m still 23. In list form. Because the internet is crazy about lists.
(Seriously. It’s actually a real thing. The internet loves itself some lists.)
1. As a 23 year old, you’re likely finally becoming a real person, with real responsibilities and a real job and real, chronic back pain (just me?). That doesn’t make you particularly wiser or more adept than you were at 22, or 21, or even 20. You’re still probable a dumbass.
2. You should accept the inevitability of your aging and your eventual death. By starting a saving account. And using it.
3. Learn how to make chicken tenders. Better and cheaper then that frozen boxed crap.
4. Also eat vegetables. Nothing screams immature diet like shirking at a brussel sprout when you’re 23.
5. Spend a little time being as stupid as you were as a teenager, but not all of your time.
6. Invest in a few high-quality pieces of clothing and wear them.
7. Update and maintain your Linked-in account. Okay, realistically, start having a Linked-in account. People do look at that.
8. Find, prepare, and perfect adult versions of your favorite little kid foods.
9. Keep eating the little kid versions anyways.
10. Embrace the fact that you have no idea who those relevant toddlers on the red carpet are. Ain’t noboday got time for that.
11. Please get rid of your high school email@example.com email account. It’s time.
12. Clean. Your. Damn. Room.
13. And your bathroom.
14. And your kitchen. You do not live in a fraternity house. I hope.
15. Are you still drinking PBR? Please stop. There are these things you have called taste buds.
16. If you aren’t working in the field you want to get into and are struggling to find a job in that field, get creative. Your future employers want to see that you have initiative. I will swear until the day I die that starting this blog, as dumb as it is, got me the marketing and copy editing job I have today. Figure some project or volunteer gig or something and do that thing.
17. Figure out what your life priorities are.
18. Figure out that number 17 is irrelevant and changeable.
19. Procrastinate (just a little bit).
20. Learn how to drive without being an asshole.
21. Pay your bills
on time eventually.
22. Be young, wild and free.
23. Have fun, you young thing, you.
If you’re wondering, no, I didn’t have a reason for not posting a Yoga Tuesday blog yesterday, other than the fact that I thought it was still Monday.
Don’t judge me.
1. Don’t forget your own damn blog schedule.
2. If you put flowers in your house, people will think you’ve got your shit together. Until those flowers die, and they’re still in your house. Then not so much.
3. Make not wearing makeup to work a habit. That way, if you show up to work looking a rachet mess with no makeup on, you can just pretend you’re sick, and no one will suspect a thing.
4. Memorize one smart sounding thing about politics or the economy or culture every day to slip casually into conversation. For example:
Coworker: Man, I hate how the bank is closed on Sunday. It’s so inconvenient.
You: Just like the government, huh?
5. Occasionally leave parties early and tell people you’re going home so you can get up early the next morning and hit the gym, because you’re training for a 5k / a marathon / the Olympics / NASA.
6. Quote people no one has ever heard of. Actually, no, don’t. That’s just annoying.
7. Keep your car really clean.
8. Tuck your shirt in. Preferable wear shirts that are ironed. Or at least clean, with few / no holes.
9. Stop getting drunk in public. No one wants to see that. Also, if you’re out of college, what are you doing getting drunk anyways? In fact, if you’re in college, you shouldn’t be getting drunk either. Everyone stop getting drunk.
10. Have a definitive answer to the question where do you see yourself in five years? Then do that thing.
If you live under a rock (or watch more Honey Boo Boo than news), the U.S. government has been shut down since early Tuesday morning.
For most of America, or at least for 95% of the people I’ve spoken to on and off line since then, this was monumentally less exciting then the finale of Breaking Bad that aired on Sunday night. Or the fact that today is unofficially Mean Girls day.
I seem to be the only one who want to know who is feeding the animals now that the National Zoo is shut down (don’t worry, they’re okay. I checked).
And / or why there was a Ku Klux Klan meeting scheduled at Gettysburg in the first place.
Or, y’know, real questions, like what effect the shutdown is going to have on the national debt, how the hell government workers are going to catch-up with the giant backlog of work they’re going to have, and how we’re going to mollify all the pissed-off veterans not getting paid.
Yet I digress. Let’s talk about hypothetical situations we’d actually freak out about, like:
1. If we all woke up this morning and there was no coffee anywhere on the planet.
Seriously. Don’t even think about it. It’s too awful. Housewives in hair curlers (if they still exist) would be roaming the streets in packs searching for any last trace of caffeine. Britain would have to quarantine themselves off from over-eager tea drinkers. Meanwhile, China’s economy would boom so hard. Like, so hard, you guys.
2. If Game of Thrones lost its funding and stopped making shows.
There are fandoms and there are fandoms. I’m pretty sure anyone who is capable of making this:
Is capable of a tantrum tantamount to what happened when Firefly went down with the ship. Times 30.
Winter is coming.
3. If Justin Bieber cut his hair again.
When I was first starting out teaching yoga, savasana (the bit at the end where you lie down and take a short “nap”) in my class was about 6 minutes long.
That was due in large part to the fact that I always ended class about ten minutes short, because I spoke really fast and got nervous and forgot things, so I made my savasanas really long to compensate.
Those 6 minutes were always the hardest part of my day.
Even now that I’ve cut my savasana down to a sleek 2 minutes and I’m much calmer and somewhat of a seasoned teacher, savasana sucks.
If you’ve never taken a yoga class, think of savasana as that nap time you had to take in kindergarten in a roomful of other squirmy kids. You never particularly wanted to take a nap, but the teacher made you do it, so you laid down and tried not to move for a while. It stinks, but it’s good for you.
If you were ever wondering what your teacher was thinking while you were taking that nap, here’s a brief list:
I wonder if anyone notice I screwed up the sequence… twice.
Whose stomach is making that weird noise?
Cars are really loud.
I really need to fart but people will totally know it’s me.
What’s that smell?
Shit, is this a 75 minute class or an hour?
Hope nobody noticed the swear word in that song.
What’s for dinner?
Has it been two minutes yet?
It’s really hot in here.
Is that person snoring?
I really need to do laundry now.
This guy with incredible balance and stamina.
These bros who aren’t afraid of nothing.
This guy who skis like a majestic eagle.
These champions who dance and make music at the same time.
These cuddly lovebugs hanging with J-Law.
Douglas Freakin’ Adams.
All these bowling champions.