If you live under a rock (or watch more Honey Boo Boo than news), the U.S. government has been shut down since early Tuesday morning.
For most of America, or at least for 95% of the people I’ve spoken to on and off line since then, this was monumentally less exciting then the finale of Breaking Bad that aired on Sunday night. Or the fact that today is unofficially Mean Girls day.
I seem to be the only one who want to know who is feeding the animals now that the National Zoo is shut down (don’t worry, they’re okay. I checked).
And / or why there was a Ku Klux Klan meeting scheduled at Gettysburg in the first place.
Or, y’know, real questions, like what effect the shutdown is going to have on the national debt, how the hell government workers are going to catch-up with the giant backlog of work they’re going to have, and how we’re going to mollify all the pissed-off veterans not getting paid.
Yet I digress. Let’s talk about hypothetical situations we’d actually freak out about, like:
1. If we all woke up this morning and there was no coffee anywhere on the planet.
Seriously. Don’t even think about it. It’s too awful. Housewives in hair curlers (if they still exist) would be roaming the streets in packs searching for any last trace of caffeine. Britain would have to quarantine themselves off from over-eager tea drinkers. Meanwhile, China’s economy would boom so hard. Like, so hard, you guys.
2. If Game of Thrones lost its funding and stopped making shows.
There are fandoms and there are fandoms. I’m pretty sure anyone who is capable of making this:
Is capable of a tantrum tantamount to what happened when Firefly went down with the ship. Times 30.
Winter is coming.
3. If Justin Bieber cut his hair again.
This week, a really terrible twitter trend, #cutforbieber, has been circulating involving fake twitter accounts of supposed Beliebers cutting themselves over Justin alleging smoking pot. This makes my soul hurt.
I admit it, I used to be critical of the Biebs. It’s weird how in our culture these days it’s considered cool to openly dislike and criticize someone or something. Doesn’t anyone else remember how we all used to make fun of hipsters and then we all slowly, silently became hipsters as we continued to make fun of mustaches and skinny jeans? I want to know how many of my friends claim to dislike Jbiebs and secretly have “Beauty and a Beat” playing in a loop on their radios.
I think we’re all missing the point here. Justin Bieber is being victimized and bullied by trolls for no good reason other then the fact that he has a stupid hair cut and sings trashy pop songs. Honestly, the vast majority of the people on the top charts these days are singing repetitive, catchy, dippy songs, and they all have funny hair.
Let’s just put this into perspective. Bieber was discovered when he was 14. By the end of that year he had gone on a world tour, hit the billboard charts more than once, and sung at the White House. When I was fourteen, I got an A in art class at school, went to my first ever dance, and got a cat who I now loathe.
Since 2008 when he was discovered, the Biebs has won several music awards, traded one bombshell girl for another bombshell girl, put a movie out about his life, and created the second biggest twitter account ever. My biggest accomplishment between 14 and 18 was not tripping up the steps to the stage during graduation… oh wait, nevermind.
Cut the kid some slack. Sure, he’s got a bit of an attitude with the paparazzi. Can you honestly tell me you never flipped anyone off during your teenage years? Even if it was (sorry Mom) behind a closed door after they were already downstairs? If I had annoying bitches trying to follow me around and take my photo all the time, I’d pull a Mean Girls and shove someone under a literal bus. Okay, he broke up with his one true love forever, Selena Gomez. I once broke up with someone because he was a bad kisser and his braces cut my top lip. We dated for about 45 minutes in total. World Record.
Look, all I’m saying is that the next time you wanna make an ill-intentioned joke about JBiebs, or TSwift, or Honey Boo Boo or whoever, just look in the mirror and ask yourself if you did anything worthwhile in the past week besides fit an entire Twinkie in your mouth at once. If the answer is no, get your damn hands off the keyboard, take a shower, and go make a contribution to the world, because you may not like the Biebs, but you sure as hell can’t say he isn’t trying his damnedest to make somebody’s day a little brighter.
Even if he does still dress like Flava Flav’s reject nephew.