I know, internet. I totally left you hanging right when we were getting to the juicy part.
I don’t understand how Cassandra could possibly be a Stage Five Clinger, you probably asked yourself repeatedly over the last two days. She seems like such a normal, well adjusted, fashionable, sanitary person.
Well, you would be right, internet, and I’m modest, too. However, this is the story of how I was a Stage Five Clinger, and it’s still one of the most mortifying circumstances I’ve ever been in, so you’ll excuse me for beating around the bush.
So anyways, I had this insane crush on Cupcake, who was a year older than I was (I was 15, he was 16). We were on the same crew team (he was varsity, I was a wee novice), and I used to chat about him with my friend, Hillary Duff, using extremely clever nicknames that there was no way he would ever possibly figure out.
…of course he did. You saw that one coming, didn’t you? He totally knew. Everyone knew, apparently, and I, using my keen powers of observation, was completely oblivious to the fact that everyone totally knew about my giant crush FOR MONTHS.
Sigh. High school.
Anyways, one day after practice, Hillary Duff and I are in the parking lot talking about Cupcake, and Cupcake waltzes over and says, “Um, I know you’re talking about me.”
So of course I did Something Very Smooth.
Aka I ran for it.
I am an embarrassment.
Luckily enough, Cupcake found my complete lack of social skills endearing, and he asked me out on a date.
Now, I mentioned before that I was a dating dummy. What I should stress now is that I was a moron, actually, because somewhere in my mind I’d managed to get the idea that going on a date with someone automatically make them your boyfriend.
No, I’m not making this up. Going on a date with someone makes them your boyfriend. I was (okay, am) socially inept. However, you have to admit it would make things much easier. No “are we monogamous?” conversations. No awkward “how do I introduce this person with using the B word?”. No dating for 2 years without changing your Facebook status. One date = boyfriend. Boom.
So we went on a date. My dad dropped me off at a local park and we went Geocaching. Never found the thing, but had a lovely afternoon. My dad picked me up. No kiss. No hug. No handholding. Not so much as a pat on the back.
I went right home and changed my Myspace status, because this was 2005 and Facebook wasn’t even a thing yet.
Oh yeah, you’re thinking, this chick is crazy. I bet she had a totally pimped out Myspace page.
Yes, internet, I did.
And I’m not ashamed.
Yet I digress.
The very next day, Cupcake left on a week-long school trip to England.
By the time he had returned, everyone in high school thought we we dating.
Because I told pretty much everyone.
Because I’m a psychopath.
Now here comes the fun twist, internet.
Cupcake had made out with someone else on his trip.
Now, in his defense, he knew that we weren’t actually dating, and since he’d been overseas, he didn’t know that I thought we we dating. I, however, thought he’d cheated on me.
I took to AIM the night I found out about Cupcake’s infidelity. I don’t have a transcription, but I’ll do my best.
me: how cud u?
him: ??? 😦
me: u cheated on me??!!
me: IT’S OVER!!
him: uh… okay?
Cue tears. Drama. Hysteria.
It wasn’t until almost SIX MONTHS LATER that I figured out that Cupcake and I had never ACTUALLY been a couple. And that everyone at school had secretly been laughing at me about the entire affair. And then of course I was so mortified that I couldn’t talk to the guy for three years after that.
…I’m really, REALLY oblivious.
Welcome back to Psychopath Saturday here on hnwcassandra!
Today’s topic – dating sites.
Are you looking for love? Are you a little odd?
Okay, are you clinically insane?
These three sites may be for you!
1. Darwin Dating.
Are you kind of an asshole? Are you a massive egotist? How many hours, on average, do you spend obsessing over your personal appearance? Most of them?
If you’re like our friends over at Darwin Dating, you too can hone your search for love by using only the shallowest of criteria. According to their website, “Attractive people are at a disadvantage on normal internet dating sites. They have to wade through a plethora of ugly people and ugly people pretending to be attractive in order to find someone who matches their own attractiveness.”
That’s why ugly people are banned from using their site. How do you know if you’re too ugly to join? Because you get rated by their members.
They also have an extensive list of “ugly” qualities, including red hair, acne, and fat rolls.
Meet-An-Inmate.com caters to those who like to live on the wild side. They recognize that certain women have a predilection for bad boys.
Some of these inmates have extremely creative profiles.
Take Casey’s, for example.
At nights, I’ll look out my cell window and sometimes an owl appears. At times, he will look up at me and I can see his striking eyes. Especially when it’s a full moon night. His eyes are like shiny diamonds, kind of like the eyes of a cat. Some nights it looks as if he has steam on his brow, I wonder what it would be like to be that own, to actually see what he sees, to be free, or even be able to talk to that owl. Sometimes he will give me that stare, like he wants to say you’ve came looking for trouble and here it is. As I sit here pondering the quandary I’m in. Friendships have come and gone. My desire to build strong relationships and good friendships.
That’s beautiful, Casey.
Very strange, but beautiful.
The website does have a disclaimer, saying, “by using this service, you agree to not hold us responsible for any costs, liabilities, attorney’s fee or damages that you may incur”.
Y’know, from becoming romantically involved with a convicted felon.
3. Can Do Better.
Can Do Better is the site for people who are already in relationships, but are either very insecure or are looking to move on and are unwilling to leave without another option in the bag.
It’s a site where you can put up pictures of you and your partner and people vote on whether or not you can do better. And then you can pick someone else from the Can Do Better pile.
I can’t even.