I’m not old.

Internet, lately I’ve been feeling the exact opposite of young and carefree.

In the past year or so, I’ve almost completely stopped going out to bars and hanging out. In fact, I feel so disconnected from the person I was when I used to go to bars and and hang out that I have no idea what the point of going out to bars even is anymore. I barely drink. I go to bed early so I can get up early and have eaten brussels sprouts everyday for the past week.

Not to mention the job, the 401 K, and the crushing realization that my knees will probably just hurt all the time now because my joints suck and there’s nothing I can really do about it.

Yeah, yeah, I know I’m 24 and I have nothing to complain about, but lately I just feel dull. And boring. And old. 

At least until I heard this new song on the radio – Animals by Martin Garrix – and danced my ass off in my car in the parking lot outside my job, some punky techno song that has this one part that kept playing that makes me go ughhh yes play that one part song I love that one part. You know, the part that feels like the music is right in your bloodstream.

(The part starts at 1:30)

And then I calmly got out of my car and went back to work like a real person.

I guess the moral of the story is that oldness is what you make of it, and that lately I’ve been too stressed out and overworked to realize I can still go out and have fun like the idiotic, carefree young thang I still am, and that everyone has a song that will make them dance like they’re still 18.

So go out there and dance, internet. Because you aren’t old until you tell yourself you’re old.

 

Grief.

Hey internet.

Grief is a weird thing. First of all, it’s a weird word. Grief. Grief grief grief. It sounds like a grunt noise, like something that would accidentally come out of your mouth if you hit the ground at a funny angle or something.

Secondly, it hits you at really bizarre times.

Yesterday was the 3rd anniversary of the day my best friend Miks died. Which is horrifically morbid, but also something you don’t tend to forget. I’ll spare you all the gory details, except to say that she died of leukemia, and that her illness and her death were a defining point in my life that ultimately changed me forever. Probably for the better or whatever. Yet I digress.

My friend Kimchi and I had dinner (pork chops and quinoa) and drank Miks’ favorite booze (lambic) and it was all well and good and not even particularly sad. In fact, apart from a little sad tingle at seeing all the pictures of Miks floating around on Facebook, I actually managed to have a pretty good day yesterday.

That’s not to say that I’m not still grieving though. I still dream about her all the time. Constantly. Randomly, too. Like I’ll be at a dance in alternate China trying to stop a walrus from bathing in the punch (true story) and she’ll be there passing out cookies or dancing with a giraffe or singing in the background. Then I’ll wake up and experience that awful jolt of remembering she’s dead.

For the first year or so, I kept trying to call her. That was the worst, I think. I know I texted her at least twice about a month after she died. Or I’d find a song or a Youtube video I’d want to share with her and just about post it to her Facebook.

Birthdays are the worst. For obvious reasons.

Like I said, grief is weird and random, and it hits you hard when you you least expect it. Kind of like if a complete stranger hits you in the stomach when you’re walking down the street. It’s not really something you can control. You can’t decide when you get mad or offended or sick or sad, you can only manage how you deal with those feelings.

For right now, I guess pork chops and booze is a good way to go.

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Shoveling snow is a lot like having friends.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, internet, but we’ve had a lot of snow this winter.

Or at least I have. Not me, personally, but the Town-Where-I-Live.

You get it.

At any rate, my roommate Varenka and I are responsible for clearing out the sidewalk in front of our downtown apartment (sidenote – why do we call the people with whom we rent apartments our roommates when we don’t technically share a room? Is there a better word for this? The English use flatmates, but apartment-mates just sounds awkward. Just me?).

This is the first time that I’ve been responsible for regularly shoveling a walk, and while it’s not a horrifically arduous task given our sidewalk is only about 5 feet in length, it’s an annoying one. Especially given the fact that there have been many storms this winter that have required Varenka and I to shovel more than once a day. Sometimes three, four, or five.

Five.

My initial reaction to shoveling the snow was to wait until the snow had stopped falling to shovel the walk, because then I’d just have to shovel it once. There’s a city ordinance in Town-Where-I-Live that states that you get fined if the snow is still there 24 hours after a big storm, so I figured that as long as I did it after the storm I’d be fine.

Big mistake. I went outside to shovel the walk and realize that people had had to walk through the 5-inch deep snow in front of my house all day, which was conspicuously the only house on the block which hadn’t been shoveled. Which made me feel like an asshole, because it only took me two minutes to shovel my sidewalk, whereas those people who had to walk by my house probably had wet feet all day long.

I realized that shoveling the walk frequently during the storm is a courtesy, and while, yeah, I technically didn’t need to, not doing it makes me a selfish person. Who knows how many old ladies with canes need to walk by my house on a day basis? What if an old lady slips and falls and breaks her hip in the snow outside my house? THAT’S ON ME.

“But how does this relate to your very catchy blog title, Cassandra?” you’re probably asking. I’m getting there.

Friendship takes work. You can’t just check in with your friends when the storms are over. You need to be there for both the good times and the bad, the times that they are being really annoying, the bad breakups, and the clingy periods. Good friends are there for each other no matter what. Good friends always keep their sidewalks shoveled.

You know those people in your life who are supposedly your friends, but only seem to check in when they need something from you? Or when you’ve won the lottery or gotten a really lucrative job or are recently hot and single? Those are the people who only shovel their walk when all the snow has stopped falling. And you’re the old lady with the cane, whose hip is now broken because your friend is an asshole.

And so I say unto you, internet, shovel your damn walk. Check in with your friends. And maybe walk in front of different houses.

That last line is a metaphor for getting better friends. Also maybe a walker.

Well, Hello There Beautiful.

Ah, internet. I’ve come back to my poor, darling, neglected blog.

It’s funny, I thought writing less a week would mean I’d have more time to come up with incredibly awesome ideas to write about, but that has not proven to be the case. Instead, I’m finding that I have totally awesome ideas, but then I go back to playing Warcraft or watching Netflix or whatever and I just let that good idea go back to the idea graveyard or whatever.

However, I have been shamed back into action by Jennie Saia of Tip Of My Tongue, who is as funny, sweet, and refreshing as I am ironic, dramatic and punny. Check her out!

What have I been up to besides not writing and working my ass off? Well, I’ve been focusing on three things, mainly.

1. I went back to my Challenge to order out less and cook more. Yes, I wrote that post in early December and it’s now February. It’s been a bit of a hectic 2014, if you haven’t figured that out yet. I gave myself a ten-day no ordering food test last Tuesday, and so far I’ve done… decently. I have been doing a fair amount of cooking and eating what I’m making. Technically, I did eat takeout on Friday, but Captain Apollo got the food, so it wasn’t really delivery. Right?

Lemon rosemary chicken? Yum yum and four meals done.

Lemon rosemary chicken? Yum yum and four meals done.

2. On a related note, I’ve been working out a lot more as part of my initiative to lose a little weight. It has been going. Not great, not quickly, not even particularly efficiently, but going. It’s been great, but god it’s a timesuck.

3. I made this Bob Ross inspired lampshade. Because, y’know.

bobross

 

Anyways, I have been shamed, and I will make a bigger effort to make this a priority.

Still – A Poem (inspired by Pablo Neruda).

from below

the clouds in the distance
are one line
tracing their 2-d tracks across the sky
from point A to point B
arbitrary distinctions that make for
a horizon in your eyes

I watch you watch them as they crawl
as lazy as we are
almost still

as if to tell the birds
to hush their white noise chatter
and join the static scene

like this we could lay for a decade
and pass the time
by making daisy chains from soft words
and pitter patter drumbeats

all around us
the wind would still
in muted respect
and in harmony
the sun would slowly fade
and let the chromatic daylight

fade to grey.

ducklake

Happy Birthday (to me).

Internet, I am hungover. 

Which, given the fact that my 24th  birthday was yesterday, is hardly surprising.

No, sorry, I can’t lie. I didn’t even drink (that much) yesterday. Unlike the year before (and before and before and let’s be honest, before). Truth is, I’m getting old, internet. Let me explain.

Things That At One Point Interested Me That I Have No Interest In Now:

  • Drinking a lot just to get drunk, for no particular reason.
  • Feeling the need to finish alcohol, no matter how terrible it tastes/ full I feel/ drunk I am.
  • Making up crappy excuses to get out of things I don’t want to do.
  • Wearing makeup.
  • Putting effort into being popular.
  • Pretending to like people I hate.
  • Eating McDonald’s.
  • Gin and tonics. Also, Goldschlager. Also, shots.

Things That Now Interest Me That I Had No Previous Interest In:

  • Being clean.
  • Organizing things.
  • Quinoa.
  • Saving money.
  • River Monsters.
  • Whiskey.
  • Interior decorating.
  • Honesty.
  • Work.
  • Ordering delivery food.

Things That Interested Me In College That Still Interest Me:

  • Cooking shows.
  • Ramen.
  • Netflix.
  • Pablo Neruda.
  • Libraries.
  • Tattoos.
  • Learning how to speak French using the smallest amount effort possible.
  • Teeny tiny bottles of things.
  • Sleep.

Truth is, I’ve done a crap load of growing up over the last year or two, and it’s weird and scary and I don’t quite know what to make of it. I mean sure, I like who I am and where I am much better than who I was. Old me was, quite frankly, a bit of an ass.

However, at the same time, I know it’s just going to keep happening, and I don’t like thinking about who I could end up being. Am I going to be some too politically correct to use the term “crap load” on her on blog? Will I still have a blog? Am I going to end up in a hippie nudist commune? There’s totally still a lot of time for me to lose what few, few marbles I have left and join a hippie nudist commune. At least by then weed will probably be legal (although it will still be objectively gross in every way).

Birthdays always make me a little introspective, internet. How about you?

 

 

 

 

 

I’m exhausted.

Hey internet.

So that three-times-a-week blogging situation is clearly not happening right now, huh.

I gotta level with you – life has been hard work the past little while. I recently overtook a lot of responsibility at my job and I’ve been working like a madwoman to keep my head above water. Don’t get me wrong – I’m loving every minute of it.

If you had told me this time last year I was about to stumble into a job that lets me blog, code, write, and graphic design, I would… probably have broken into tears, because I was not in a good spot last year this time mentally. But then I would had been like nahhhhh you crazy. 

Add to that the increase in exercise due to el weight loss challenge, and the second job working at the yoga studio and you have one psycho crazy tired lady. Honestly, ending my year long blog challenge couldn’t have come at a better moment.

So yes internet, I believe I’m going to stick to one blog a week for the time being. At least until the dust settles on life a little.

Don’t worry – I haven’t forgotten you. I just need a little me time right now.