Internet, I am hungover.
Which, given the fact that my 24th birthday was yesterday, is hardly surprising.
No, sorry, I can’t lie. I didn’t even drink (that much) yesterday. Unlike the year before (and before and before and let’s be honest, before). Truth is, I’m getting old, internet. Let me explain.
Things That At One Point Interested Me That I Have No Interest In Now:
- Drinking a lot just to get drunk, for no particular reason.
- Feeling the need to finish alcohol, no matter how terrible it tastes/ full I feel/ drunk I am.
- Making up crappy excuses to get out of things I don’t want to do.
- Wearing makeup.
- Putting effort into being popular.
- Pretending to like people I hate.
- Eating McDonald’s.
- Gin and tonics. Also, Goldschlager. Also, shots.
Things That Now Interest Me That I Had No Previous Interest In:
- Being clean.
- Organizing things.
- Saving money.
- River Monsters.
- Interior decorating.
- Ordering delivery food.
Things That Interested Me In College That Still Interest Me:
- Cooking shows.
- Pablo Neruda.
- Learning how to speak French using the smallest amount effort possible.
- Teeny tiny bottles of things.
Truth is, I’ve done a crap load of growing up over the last year or two, and it’s weird and scary and I don’t quite know what to make of it. I mean sure, I like who I am and where I am much better than who I was. Old me was, quite frankly, a bit of an ass.
However, at the same time, I know it’s just going to keep happening, and I don’t like thinking about who I could end up being. Am I going to be some too politically correct to use the term “crap load” on her on blog? Will I still have a blog? Am I going to end up in a hippie nudist commune? There’s totally still a lot of time for me to lose what few, few marbles I have left and join a hippie nudist commune. At least by then weed will probably be legal (although it will still be objectively gross in every way).
Birthdays always make me a little introspective, internet. How about you?
So that three-times-a-week blogging situation is clearly not happening right now, huh.
I gotta level with you – life has been hard work the past little while. I recently overtook a lot of responsibility at my job and I’ve been working like a madwoman to keep my head above water. Don’t get me wrong – I’m loving every minute of it.
If you had told me this time last year I was about to stumble into a job that lets me blog, code, write, and graphic design, I would… probably have broken into tears, because I was not in a good spot last year this time mentally. But then I would had been like nahhhhh you crazy.
Add to that the increase in exercise due to el weight loss challenge, and the second job working at the yoga studio and you have one psycho crazy tired lady. Honestly, ending my year long blog challenge couldn’t have come at a better moment.
So yes internet, I believe I’m going to stick to one blog a week for the time being. At least until the dust settles on life a little.
Don’t worry – I haven’t forgotten you. I just need a little me time right now.
Recently, a family member of mine told me I should lose 15 pounds.
We’ll get back to that in a moment.
I am a normal girl. Well, okay, I’m not normal. I’m super weird and dorky and I don’t like dolphins and I’m not a huge fan of cake and I also am fairly indifferent to Beyoncé (don’t kill me).
However, I am a normal girl in that sometimes, I get a little obsessive over my appearance.
Aspects, anyways. For instance, I am a compulsive eyebrow over-plucker (there, I said it). I struggle to go for two or three days at a stretch without plucking my eyebrows. Two weeks ago I basically went on an eyebrow plucking frenzy and I’m still recovering from it.
Other than that, however, I like to pride myself on having a decently high sense of self esteem. I love my body, most days. I’m not a stick figure, but I’m strong and I’m healthy, and my salad-to-candy ratio for someone my age is extremely well balanced (although my sugar-to-tea ratio… let’s not get into it). I don’t feel the particular need to wear makeup on a daily basis. Nice work clothes, scrubby loungewear, no makeup, nice nails, generally good hair. I take care of my skin, I color coordinate, but that’s about it.
At least, before a certain family member of mine told me I should lose 15 pounds.
Now, I should clarify that I’m aware that this person was not intending to be malicious, and had only my best interests at heart. Even still, my immediate first reaction was anger. Extreme anger. Self righteousness. Pride. No, I do not need to lose any weight, thank you.
It’s funny how fast that changed.
In fact, within a matter of hours, I called her back and said I’d be willing to lose 10 pounds.
Self esteem, it turns out, is a fragile thing. I have, at times, felt good-looking. Maybe even pretty. Once or twice on a special occasion, I’ve even felt beautiful.
All of the sudden, I just feel fat. It’s not just that I look in the mirror and I see fat where before I just saw smooth, clean, sexy curves. I feel fat. I feel my flesh pinching under the same jeans that felt fine last week. I feel obligated to pinch my stomach to try to evaluate how much flesh is there. It is an all-encompassing, all-consuming thought – that I Am Not Thin Enough.
My feelings on this are conflicted. Part of me is ready to lose ten pounds so that I can love who I see in the mirror again. Part of me is scared that I won’t.
Mostly, I wish I could go back to ignorance, or bliss, or whatever you want to call it.
What are your thoughts, internet?
I made it, internet! Today is the Last Day of my challenge to write a blog post every day for a year. Can you even believe it?
(I know you probably don’t particularly care, but pretend for a moment, will you?)
Wow. Lots of feelings. Relief, joy, a little sadness. Some intense regret that I missed one day.
Do I feel like I did a good job? I suppose. In some ways I feel like I’m pulling into the finish line leaking gas, with only three surviving tires and a broken windshield. A lot of the blogs I wrote were just awful. Probably most of them, in fact. And there were definitely times where I could have tried harder to write a quality post, but I just kind of didn’t.
However, in other ways, I feel like I succeeded brilliantly.
The goals of this year, to quote my past self, were:
To “dig myself out of the hole I am currently creating” by “wallow[ing] long enough in my own apathetic unproductiveness”. Past me was apparently both melodramatic and wordsy.
To “have something to my name when I tell people I’m a writer and they roll their eyes at me”.
To “defy that little voice in my head screaming at me saying that I will fail”.
To become more committed.
Yes. Absolutely. I achieved all of those things and more.This was undeniably the best year of my life to date. I got my shit together, moved out of my parent’s house, paid exorbitant car bills (twice), and have more or less successfully navigated being a real person (or as much of one as I can possibly be at this moment. And oh yeah, this blog got me my job. My amazing, real person, full time with benefits, how-did-I-get-this-lucky job.
Considering I thought I’d only make it two weeks, I’d say that’s pretty good.
So now what? Well, as I mentioned yesterday, I’m taking a break. A little over a week. I’ll be back on January the 6th, which is a Monday, if you particularly care. I think I’ll start out with three posts a week and adjust from there. Maybe throw a few treats in the mix. You know how I do.
Thanks for reading, internet. It’s been a (weird) year.
Getting down to the wire, internet. I will have officially made it through my year long blog challenge as of tomorrow.
Tomorrow I’ll do one last celebration post to wrap things up and then I AM DONE. Or at least done writing every single day. I think I’ll take a full week off and then start posting two, maybe three posts a week, actual, real-person, high-quality posts.
What do I think of this whole experiment?
Gosh, I don’t know.
I guess you’ll have to tune in tomorrow to find out.
1. Know your hiding spots to get away from annoying relatives when necessary.
2. Rest when you can.
3. Plaster a huge grin on your face for anyone you see. Or just be really, really happy to see them.
4. Don’t be afraid to make fresh tracks.
5. But be ready to follow the leader when you need to.
6. Examine your surroundings.
8. And run.
9. And run.
10 Make snow angels.
12. And do what you have to do to get the best treats.
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the alley,
Cassandra was losing- by quite a huge tally.
Her cousins and Madre and Granny to boot
Decided her gutter streak was quite the hoot.
The lanes were all full of young kids using bumpers
But they all bowled better – jeez, what high numbers!
Yet Cassandra had hopes for the rest of the eve-
For her pie-making prowess had yet to be seen.
So Cass and Cuz One peeled, sliced, and prepared;
Not an apple or cranberry was sugar-spared
And Cuz Two in the bath, with shampoo in her hair,
Yelled to keep the door closed, for her bottom was bare.
The aunt and the uncle amused Gramps and Gran,
While Cuz One sliced and diced all the pecans.
With the dogs full of treats and Cass full of beer,
We were all cheered that Dad would soon be here.
Merry Christmas, y’all.