If you live under a rock (or watch more Honey Boo Boo than news), the U.S. government has been shut down since early Tuesday morning.
For most of America, or at least for 95% of the people I’ve spoken to on and off line since then, this was monumentally less exciting then the finale of Breaking Bad that aired on Sunday night. Or the fact that today is unofficially Mean Girls day.
I seem to be the only one who want to know who is feeding the animals now that the National Zoo is shut down (don’t worry, they’re okay. I checked).
And / or why there was a Ku Klux Klan meeting scheduled at Gettysburg in the first place.
Or, y’know, real questions, like what effect the shutdown is going to have on the national debt, how the hell government workers are going to catch-up with the giant backlog of work they’re going to have, and how we’re going to mollify all the pissed-off veterans not getting paid.
Yet I digress. Let’s talk about hypothetical situations we’d actually freak out about, like:
1. If we all woke up this morning and there was no coffee anywhere on the planet.
Seriously. Don’t even think about it. It’s too awful. Housewives in hair curlers (if they still exist) would be roaming the streets in packs searching for any last trace of caffeine. Britain would have to quarantine themselves off from over-eager tea drinkers. Meanwhile, China’s economy would boom so hard. Like, so hard, you guys.
2. If Game of Thrones lost its funding and stopped making shows.
There are fandoms and there are fandoms. I’m pretty sure anyone who is capable of making this:
Is capable of a tantrum tantamount to what happened when Firefly went down with the ship. Times 30.
Winter is coming.
3. If Justin Bieber cut his hair again.