So Captain Apollo (whom you may remember as my bodacious musical accomplice) challenged me to do a blog post today about how fucking awesome apples are, and I’ve had an idea bouncing around in my head for a while to try writing profanity-filled reviews about incredibly mundane things.
I call it a Rude Review. And this is the very first one.
RUDE REVIEW – SHIT GODDAMN I LOVE APPLES.
LOOK AT THIS FRUIT.
You luscious, juicy, perspicacious son of a fruit tree.
Apples are a fucking shit storm of versatility.
You want apples for breakfast? Fruit salad, granola, pancakes, parfait. Boom.
You want apples for lunch? Put some goddamn apple slices into your grilled cheese, player.
You want apples for dinner? That’s unacceptab- OH WAIT, APPLES WORK WITH PORK, CHICKEN, SWEET POTATOES, AND BASICALLY ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE APPLES ARE THE KING OF THE ORCHARD.
We haven’t even talked about apple fucking pie yet, because that’s low hanging fruit, and I’M MORE CREATIVE THAN THAT.
Apples keep the fucking doctor away. You need to go to the doctor for a checkout? NOPE, ATE A PINK LADY THIS MORNING BITCH. CHECK ME OUT, I’M SWIMMING IN PHYTONUTRIENTS AND POLYPHENOLS.*
FACT – Apples are fucking delicious.
FACT – Apples can be used in every fucking meal of the day.
FACT – Apples are good for you.
FACT – Apples are in the rose family, so basically buying your girl a bushel of apples is the same as buying her a bouquet of expensive-ass roses.
FACT – The apple plant is the most diverse plant in the world, with 2,450 varieties in the U.S. alone. So if you don’t like apples, you’re wrong.
*Just kidding. Apples don’t keep doctors away. That’s hyperbole. Besides, doctors love apples.