Biased pizzeria reviews.


It’s understood within the tourism business that you are supposed to give your unbiased opinion on restaurants, hotels, and wineries. You’re supposed to share the love equally. Sure, if someone asks for an expensive upscale bed and breakfast in such and such a location, you can narrow it down. If they want duck confit served with herbed mashed potatoes and their’s only one restaurant in town that serves that, you’re allowed to direct them there.

But good gracious it’s hard.

I was recently allocated the task of refreshing the listings on the website. All quadrillion of them. No biggie (kind of a biggie. Actually, a huge biggie. But whatever).

I’m currently working on the pizzerias in town and IT IS SO HARD not to have an option on them. My close friends and family know that in the real world, outside of work, I do have a very biased opinion about the pizza in town. Very biased. As in I only go to one pizza place in town, because it is so clearly superior to the other ones that frankly, the fact that there is even a modicum of doubt as to which is the best pizzeria in town is, frankly, shocking.

(Okay, full disclosure, there are two pizza places I really like in town, but one of them has the extreme advantage of me not having worked there ever, so when I go in to get a slice I don’t have to make awkward small talk with the owner about how much better my life is now).

Anyways, I just finished a very neutral-positive review of my favorite pizzeria, and I’m feeling incredibly unfulfilled. So here’s the review I’d have liked to write them.

THE PIZZERIA IN THE-PLACE-THAT-I-LIVE

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A TASTE EXPLOSION?

WOULD YOU LIKE YOUR MOUTH PARTS TO BE FILLED WITH THE SENSORY DELIGHT THAT SOME PIONS WOULD DESCRIBE AS ‘PIZZA’?

Are you trying to have an experience that will leave you craving this pizza for the rest of all time?

Because this fucking pizza right here is not fucking around.

Are you into sauce? Are you into cheese? Are you into a crust so thin and crispy that you could shank somebody with flavor?

Visit the pizzeria that the angels sing about. Octo-beyonce will figuratively sing you a love ballad about this pizza as you eat it. The fresh, flavorful sauce will caress your tongue with a tomato lullaby. The delicately melted cheese might give you a back massage and get rid of some of the tension in your shoulders.

Get some, you fool. Time travel your ass back to the past and eat this pizza as a child because you have been missing out for way too long.

YOU ASKED FOR MORE PHOTOSHOP. THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

YOU ASKED FOR MORE PHOTOSHOP. THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

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