So I was at work today, internet, as happens, and my boss asked me to clean a lobby area which apparently suffers from a chronic spider infestation problem, and as I was sucking the last of the baby spider nests into the sturdy little Shopvac I was given, I was feeling like a boss and idly wondered if I should put Spider Killer on my resume or at least my business card.
Then I realized I totally never put up a resumé to go along with the cover letters I wrote a while back, which is obviously why I was never contacted for a job.
If you’re wondering, all of the following things on this resumé are FACTUAL THINGS and if you want to give me a job (obviously) you can email me!
Cassandra. (I only have one name. Like Beyoncé. Or Cher.)
Facebook Page. Obviously.
-Spider Killer Supreme.
-Can tell a hare from a rabbit.
-Can grill an Awesome burger.
-Can properly index, cite, and footnote in a variety of conventions.
-Weirdly good at catching footballs.
-Have excellent phone voice.
-Could probably run a mile.
-Can read a map upside down.
-Once invented an entire complex language with it’s own grammar.
-Marc Summers tweeted at me once.
-Have been in a mosh pit.
-Once drove for four hours without stopping to pee.
-Have petted a baby hippo.
-Have willfully eaten goose feet on several occasions.
-Have filed several police reports.
-Know at least 3 digits of pi.