The Tropical Swanson Burger – a Recipe.

Wazzup, internet.

The sunshine finally decided to show up in little ole wherever-I-live, U.S.A, and you know what that means, party people.

It means grill time.

Now, I realize that there is a wide variety of things that you can put on a grill. I happen to enjoy a good hotdog as much as the next person – okay, 7 year old (reasons why I’m single #26 – I remind fascinated by even the most ridiculous children’s foods).

However, I have recently been seduced by the show Parks and Recreation and the manly phenomenon that is Ron Swanson, who reminds us, in his hierarchy of meat, that not all meat is created equal.  So in his honor, I’m going to teach you how to make the Tropical Swanson, which is a burger named after the grill god himself with a bit of an island twist.

ron swanson quotes

NOTE – It is more time efficient to prep and cook the toppings first. However, placing the non-meat items above the meat items in a recipe is sacrilege, so they are described second.

The Tropical Swanson Patty.

Makes 8 real burgers or 12 sissy size burgers.

A pound of good ground beef, preferably 80-20.
Many strips of cooked bacon.
Three egg yolks.
Worcestershire sauce.
1/2 cup garlic breadcrumbs.
Garlic powder.
Salt and pepper.

Toppings (Not Optional).

A pineapple, sliced into rounds.
Brown sugar.
An onion of some sort, cut in skinny strips.
Avocado, in strips.
A not wheat or anything healthy bun. Sesame will do. Potato is unacceptable.

Making the Patties.

1. Cook the bacon. Save the grease. If you don’t know how to cook bacon, I have no time for you, peasant.

2. Crumble the bacon into the meat and add the egg yolks, a few dashes of worcestershire, a liberal squirt of ketchup, and all the other things. Combine with your hands. It should feel somewhat in between gloopy and gritty. If too liquidy, more breadcrumbs, obviously.

3. Form into patties. If you end up with more than 8 you did it wrong and your patties are too small.

4. Cook dem patties.


1. Right after you cook your bacon, turn the heat down to low and throw in your onions. Salt and pepper. You want your onions to be brown and very soft and sorta see- throughy.

2. Lay the pineapple on a baking sheet and sprinkle with a decent amount of brown sugar. Bake at 400 for like twenty minutes ish, until soft.

3. Grill or toast your bun. If you skip this step at his point, frankly you’re being lazy and you have a bad attitude.


Bottom of bun on plate.
Delicious bacon patty.
Carmelized bacon onions.
Pineapple round.
Top bun.

*If you must add something else, you are permitted a swizzle of ketchup. No other additions are acceptable except for more bacon.

ron swanson bacon

One comment

  1. Pingback: RESUME. | her name was cassandra

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s