My Grandmother is a Pirate.


Internet. If you read my blog post yesterday, you already know that I am in Canada visiting my grandparents.

Within the past 24 hours, an exciting development has occurred.

I have uncovered undeniable evidence that my Gran is, in fact, probably a pirate.

Let us examine the case.

Exhibit One – She Travels.

My Granny is a serious world traveller. Within the past few years, she’s been to China, Africa, Morocco, Italy, France and Ireland, among others. She’s been on scheduled trips and group trips and family trips and boat trips and bike trips and pretty much every kind of trip you could imagine, but she never goes to the same place twice.

Recently, however, she informed me that she loved Africa so much that she will be returning there in the fall as a supplement to a trip to Spain.

Africa?

You mean the home of the infamous Somalian pirates?

Africa, where offshore piracy is “OUT OF CONTROL”?

What could you possibly be doing in Africa, Gran, besides checking in on your pirate crew?

Coincidence?

I THINK NOT.

Exhibit Two – She Steals.

Last night, I was sitting innocently at the kitchen table drinking a glass of wine and reading an Issac Asimov novel when Mamma Mia and Grandmère came in with a gorgeous arrangement of white lilacs.

“Where did’st thou procure such sweet smelling florals?” I inquired, sipping delicately at my riesling.

“From the neighbour’s garden,” my dear Granny freely admitted.

Aka SHE STOLE THEM.

THESE WERE NOT PROCURED LEGALLY.

THESE WERE NOT PROCURED LEGALLY.

You know who else steals? Pirates. It’s pretty much in the job description.

Oh wait. It is literally the only job description.

pirate definition hnwcassandra

Exhibit Three – She Cheats. 

I have never played Mexican Train Dominos before tonight. Therefore, I do not know the official rules for Mexican Train Dominos. You may or may not know the rules of Mexican Train Dominos. It’s irrelevant to the story.

What I am, however, fairly confident of is that the rules of Mexican Train Dominos are not what Granny taught us tonight. It was something other. Some strange hybrid game where the rules seem to change every time Granny seemed to be losing.

You know who else cheats?

Pirates.

That’s why mutiny is a thing.

You can’t trust a pirate. It’s common sense 101. Why? Refer to Exhibit 2 – They Steal. Case in point? When my Papear ultimately won the game (he’s a silent but deadly competitor), it turned out I had to pay up a cent for every point left in my hand.

Paying money I didn’t wager?

THAT SEEMS PRETTY PIRATEY GRAN.

In conclusion:

My Gran is a pirate. There’s no point denying it. Mystery solved. Case closed.

Incidentally, this also explains how good she is at sailing.

5 comments

  1. Pingback: Praise Sunday: Super Deluxe Family Edition | I am a heathen.
  2. Jennie Saia

    I suddenly want a pirate grandmother more than I can express. I wouldn’t mind the cheating and stealing if she’d take me on her world escapades and teach me her nefarious ways. Arrgh!

  3. Pingback: Oh Canada. | her name was cassandra

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