Have you ever done something stupid, looked at yourself in the mirror, and thought, I am the reason why we can’t have nice things?

I have, internet. Many a time.

Today I broke the top of a porcelain flour container we’ve had since the dawn of time.

On the plus side, we still have a large quantity of peanut butter cookies.

On the negative side, when I say I have butter fingers I’m being literal, because I was making cookies and I’d just greased the pan. So that was intelligent.

I have a long, long history of breaking things, internet. I have put my hand through three of the several doors in our house with glass windows (design flaw), one of them twice.

I still remember in spine tingling, cringe-inducing details the time when I was over at a friend’s house as a youngster and I broke one of the plates that was hanging on the wall in the bathroom. I’d closed the door and ran my hand over the wall looking for a light switch in the dark. Smart.

Although both my mother and my friend’s mom ran over and asked what happened, I insisted on telling them that the plate had totally been broken before I’d gone in there.

Liar liar pants on fire.

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