Open cover letters for positions in real companies.


In the wake of Plan A- Get Into Grad School failing me, I’ve been looking around for a plan B. I spent some time looking up some internships for the summer last night, internet, and I thought that I’d ask your opinion on the cover letters I wrote for the various positions I was interested in. Let’s take a look:

To The Onion

I am a recent college graduate with a writing background, a yogic mind, and a can-do attitude. I am smart, hawk-eyed, and have grammatical OCD. I both frequently enjoy reading your satirical articles and making fun of any of my friends and family who believe the situations referenced in them to be true.

If you take me on as your intern, I can guarantee you both an admirable work ethic, as shown by my daily blog, and a stress-free aura, as evidenced by the massive amount of yoga I do and teach. I can count, read, and make coffee. My alphabetizing skills are pretty incredible after years of sorting through clients in the studio, and after having to date and organize events in the catering business, I even know which month comes in what order.

Please consider me for the position this summer.

Sincerely,

Cassandra

***

To Seventeen Magazine

I see that you must be a college student to apply for your 2013 graphic design internship. I urge you to reconsider this stance, because I do, in fact, fulfill the other basic requirement of having a Mac. Other perks of taking me on as an intern include me having once been 17, me being a person who enjoys girl things, and me currently having both Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez on my iPod. If One Direction is also still a thing, I can look into that as well.

I do not know what an “e-blast” is, but I have in fact used both Illustrator and Photoshop before. Look at this thing I made.

It's Martha Stewart with some puppies. You know who that is, right? No?

It’s Martha Stewart with some puppies. You know who that is, right? No? Well, puppies. Look at those wittle smushy faces. D’awww.

Let’s get real though. We all know that the real demographic for Seventeen is preteens and teenettes, and they only read things tht lk like thiz. gud thing i can write in abrev lol.

Like, hire me? Or whatever.

❤ ur new bff lol

Cassandra

***

At this point I noticed on the internships.com website they actually have a quiz that matches you up with internships they think you’d be good at/ enjoy. So I took it.

??????!?!?!??!??!

??????!?!?!??!??!

Apparently I’ve been wrong all along about my interests and strengths! To think I’ve been wasting my time these long years on art, writing, language and creativity. So I found one more internship:

To Diesel USA-

It says right here that I can’t be your intern unless I can do it for college credit. That’s fine, I get that. It seems like that’s apparently the basic requirement for EVERY INTERNSHIP EVER. However, I thought you should know that I did take an online quiz thingy that told me that I should be in Accounting and Finance, so here I am.

I did scan your list of requirements for a potential intern and I can proudly say that I did, in fact, understand at least 10 of the words that you used. For instance, I don’t know how to “Run various reports using SAP to be used for account and chargeback bucket analysis”, but I do know how to run and I have several buckets.

Call me.

Cassandra.

***If any of these companies see this and are falling over themselves to hire me (as well they should be) they can contact me at hnwcassandra(at)gmail.com.

Love ya.

2 comments

  1. Pingback: RESUME. | her name was cassandra

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