My house is a migraine generator.


Sup internet.

How you doin’?

Good?

Feeling fine?

Probably because you likely aren’t listening to the intermittent squeals of a dying drill going through cement as two heavyset men who listen to Taylor Swift rip your house apart AGAIN.

AGAIN AS IN FOR THE BAZILLIONTH TIME IN THE PAST 4 YEARS.  

I’m seriously sitting here listening to a noise that sounds like an enraged elephant with a head cold having a row with a triceratops in a failing variety band. PUT DOWN THE KAZOO CERA. YOU DON’T HAVE THE LUNG CAPACITY FOR A SKA SESSION TODAY.

Image

You guys? I think I just had an amazing idea.

Backstory time.

So about 4 years ago when I went off to college, my parents had the brilliant idea to redo our kitchen, because I guess that’s what you do when your kids leave the house. Mom went all out with the design and all that jazz and it came out brilliantly, even though it took them ALMOST TWO YEARS to finish it.

So they finish it and we go yeyyy kitchen and shake their hands and the construction people go their merry ways and whatnot, and we get two beautiful years of no construction workers hanging around the house and a working kitchen and whatnot.

So then this year, about when I moved back in May, my parents decided to redo the porch / sunroom / whatever it’s called thingy bob doodle. They drew up all the plans and whatnot and all the construction began in September. They basically had to rip every apart and put in back together and plaster and do stonework and take a jackhammer to the floor and essentially MAKE EVERY LOUD NOISE THEY COULD POSSIBLY MAKE AT 7 IN THE MORNING WHEN NORMAL PEOPLE ARE ASLEEP (when I say “normal people” here, I’m of course referring to layabout college graduates like myself, not actual people). I’m pretty sure the work took about 2-3 months to complete aka 5 years in construction time. Seriously, I watch all these shows on T.V. with mi madre where these people rip apart someone’s house and build a new one in like a week, and somehow one porch took 2 and a half months to do. I’m calling shenanigans.

As this was happening, we noticed our upstairs bathroom that’s right over our kitchen was having some leaking issues, so we had a plumber come look at it and they realized that the bathroom floor had SUNK DOWN A FEW INCHES.

EXCUSE ME.

WHY IS THAT EVEN A THING.

WAY TO MAKE MY FEAR OF HEIGHTS SUDDENLY LEGITIMATE FLOOR.

So then my family was all like “umm WHAT” and they were all like “umm yeah so the pipes from your bathroom are leaking into the wooden support beam we incorrectly put into the ceiling of your new kitchen and the whole thing is coming down now so that’s not so good”. And then we were all like “YEAH EXCUSE US BUT UMMM HOW DO YOU FUCK THAT ONE UP THAT BAD”.

So then they had to rip our kitchen apart and fix the ceiling they screwed up.

I guess this means I'm going  to have to put Chinese delivery back on speed dial.

I guess this means I’m going to have to put Chinese delivery back on speed dial.

Ugh.

Fast forward two months. They finally finish the kitchen. Again. We get our house to ourselves finally. We’re enjoying the use of our new porch. Everything is good.

Until Dad notices cracks in the wall of the stucco in the new room.

Uh oh.

Apparently they did the porch wrong, so they have to come back and rip the porch apart and redo it.

Cry.

MY FACE RIGHT NOW.

2 comments

  1. Hubs

    Step 1: ice cream
    Step 2: new contractors
    Step 3: no more DIY channel
    Step 4: join hubs for lunch because its nummy time on the west coast.

  2. Pingback: The Mental Breakdown- Scarlett O’Hara’s Birthday. | her name was cassandra

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