Never order food with your real name.

“Can I get a name for that order?”


The counter dude, resigned, scrawled U-jina on my order slip as my buddy Herman turned his snicker into a cough. And thus, a legend is born.

Since that fateful day in 2007 at a Wings Over in my hometown, I have rarely ordered counter food under my real name, and I’ve never looked back.My friends have essentially resigned themselves to this after the initial confusion and claim it as one of my many, many, many weird quirks. However, there is a perfectly logical explanation for this which I’d like to share for those who also happen to have a ridiculously easy to screw up name. For some of you reading this blog right now, I just changed your life. You’re welcome. 

As you may have guessed, my first name is Cassandra. I happen to go by Cassie. Which also happens to sound like Kathy. And if you spell it wrong and put something weird down, the person on the other end of the food service line might even read it as Casey.

This doesn’t really sound like that big of a deal, until you realize how ridiculously common those names are, and then you’ve got a Kathy who was called as a Casey reaching for your coffee and it’s just a whole mess.

I mean think about it. Nobody ever screws up Eugena. First of all, no one so far has been brave enough to ask if that’s my real name. Secondly, say it out loud and try to think of how many other names there are that sound like Eugena. Go out. I’ll wait.

Exactly. Eugena is the perfect food ordering pseudonym.

Y’all think I’m crazy now, don’t you?

PS- Some of you are wondering why I don’t just order under Cassandra, aren’t you? It’s because if one more counterperson says, hey did you know that Cassandra was a famous Trojan priestess something or other or, hey, have you seen Wayne’s World, or, hey, Cassandra is actually the last human in a crazy episode of a British show called Doctor Who you’ve probably never hear of, I will break down. I will actually break down sobbing on the floor of the establishment. I never understood the annoyance of my friend Cecelia about that one song (you know the one) until I started telling people my real name. No, I have absolutely never heard of that insanely popular reference, you rapscallion Congratulations on picking the least original conversation starter you could have gone with this side of “how’s the weather?”. Give me my sandwich.


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