Otherwise titled, Quit Skiing like a Manky Butt-Dragger, Civ.
Ah, skiing. Whether tis nobler on the slope to suffer the bruises and shin bang of a thousand gnarly hucks or to take edges against a headwall of sheer ice, and by wedge-turning, not fall down. I have been skiing every year since I can’t even remember when. I skipped most of my high school dances (actually, all of my high school social life) for ski races. As such, I consider the mountain to be my sandbox – the place where you’re supposed to learn how to not be a jerk as a kid. Here are the three things I understood from skiing etiquette, and how they can be seen everyday.
1. Don’t stop in the middle of the damn run, moron!
Snowboarders are the worst at this because their mode of transportation is inherently built so they can just flop over onto their asses at any time. But seriously, I get that there may be an urgent need for you to stop. I get that your phone buzzed and you need to check Twitter real quick. For the name of all that tastes good with bacon, pull over to the side of the trail. This also applies to people who stand in front of the lift without getting on. Your day of reckoning is coming, ski-scum.
Applications to real life – These jerks are everywhere. People who start a big project you’re counting on and leave off halfway through. People who randomly stop in grocery stores and sidewalks. Those who walk really slow in crosswalks when you’re in your car politely waiting for them. People who walk, hands entwined, in a line that won’t move for oncoming traffic. One day, those people will get attacked by a rabid possum in the middle of the night, and I will turn over in my sleep and smile.
3. Try not to ski like a kitten who got into the coffee.
I’m minding my own business skiing on the side of the trail, nice and tidy, and OUT OF NOWHERE someone just cuts right in front of me and scoodilypoops around for two turns before swooping WAYYY over to the other side of the trail. This is the skier’s version of I’M WALKING HERE.
Applications to real life– Bad drivers who think it’s totally cool to cut over 4 lanes of traffic so they don’t miss their exit, people who cut in front of you in line, people who talk on their cellphone at the counter. It’s their little way of subconsciously saying that they are more important than you are, and they didn’t even check to see if someone was there before they went for it. I can’t even.
5. If you don’t put extra underwear on when it’s cold, you don’t get to complain all day about frostbite.
Ugh, come on. I told you all morning that you were going to want something on other than boxers and a Tapout shirt underneath your gear. Now you’re on the lift with me whining that you can’t feel your kneecaps anymore and I’m about to push you off this double chair and let you get run over by snowboarders.
Applications to real life – These are the weirdos who always forget to bring pencils to class and return yours with bite marks on them. The chronically unprepared. I may in fact secretly be on of these people, but damned if I’m going to let other people know how awful I am at remembering things. If you have this problem and you let it irritate the people around you, a pox on your soul.
Life lessons are everywhere, internet. Have any for me?